Life is a Beautiful Lie

Here's to the New Year

2010-12-31T03:48:00.000-06:00

Even though I don't blog enough I at least try and make a post on New Year's Eve. It does matter some.

So this is my first New Year's(and Christmas, and Thanksgiving) away from home and family. It's not like we ever do anything for the holidays though, seriously, so I guess I'm just being a pussy about all this. Ok, fine I'll admit it: I do feel homesick, I can't lie. I feel like crap as of now(bad cold and possible ear infection) so my demeanor probably isn't the most positive right now, but I'll still write this the best I can.

2010 has been a pretty interesting year for me.

I went to my first concert.(which I still need to write about, it's been almost a year!)

I got my first electric guitar, got better at the acoustic and was getting better at piano until I had to send it away to storage. I really miss my piano and I really really miss my acoustic guitar. Since I've been over here in India I've forgotten the calming and clearing effect that playing has on me.

I got my first boyfriend(and got a crash course in relationships. Fun. Not.)

My parents finally tore down our old mold and mouse ridden house and built a new house. I'm so happy for them, especially my mom. Our old house stressed her out for so many years because it wasn't big enough for us, it was pretty much always messy. Due to lack of closet and storage space(only 2 closets between 5 people) we pretty much had piles of stuff everywhere for lack of better words(we're not hoarders, I swear!) It was cold and drafty in the winter, hot and sticky in the summer when the A/C was out, and the house pretty much made it's own dust. Trust me, dusting feels very depressing and counter productive when it comes back the next day. It's also not cool to have your own personal Niagra Falls in the basement every time it rains, or to feel like the house is going to blow off the foundation every time the wind blows. I could go on all day long about that house. I left before everything was done but to hear my mom talk about the house, it's like talking to a little kid who just built the most awesome couch cushion fort. She's so happy and it makes me feel a lot better about my mom knowing that she's got one less thing to worry about. It sounds like we may be getting a new puppy soon as well(nothing concrete) so I can't imagine how my mom will act with a new fort and a new puppy.

There is of course, also this trip to India, which will probably remain the highlight of my life. I've learned so much here, but what's funny is that I think I've learned just as much about my life at home as I've learned about stuff in general here. I've learned that in the past I never valued or appreciated my parents as much as I should have, and sometimes I mistreated them, and I'm really sorry for that. I've learned that having and keeping my family in my life is very important, and that I have taken that for granted over the years(damn adolescence). I've learned(and am still learning) what the key to good health is as well(article later when I can think better, I promise!) I've also learned how much I miss and even APPRECIATE doing goat chores. That's probably one of the hugest reasons I can't think properly, I've lost that way that I clear my mind and articulate my thoughts and it SUCKS. I'm not bored* over here(seriously Mukthi, if you're reading this I've never been bored, I don't just say that) but it's just really weird for me to be sitting still all the time and not doing anything. I really miss my goats too. I never realized how sane they keep me. I miss it when I'm having a bad day, I can't just go out to the barn and be with my goats. They always make me smile, they always make me feeling better. It's like they always have just the right thing to say, and they can say it to you without even saying it. I miss my fat little Ducky, the way she always just walks up to you unexcitedly, without a wiggle of her tail, just expecting to be pet. I can't blame her though, she is almost royalty in the barn.

*A note on boredom. Boredom is usually accompanied by impatience, and boredom is pretty much impatience with yourself and everybody else because you just simply can't think of anything to do. The reason why I'm not bored(even though I'm not doing anything) is because if I can't find anything to do I'll just occupy my mind with some course of thought that will usually keep my mind occupied for a while. Conquering boredom is all about patience and not letting your mind get stagnant.

So I'm going to wrap this up with an apology to anybody who reads this blog for the sole purpose of hearing about what I'm doing on this trip. I'm sorry but any time I've tried to write about things it's literally almost impossible for me. The best way I can explain it is like this: First, I've gotten pretty used to what I see over here, and also in a way it's been a sensory overload. There is soooo much information coming into my brain that I can't really process it. Second, if I write about what I'm doing all the time I start to feel like I'm not really here anymore, like I'm looking through a camera and not through my eyes. Ever shoot a video of something really cool and feel like you're not there at the same time? It's like that. Third, as I mentioned above I've found since I'm over here that I've been able to look at things back home(not just my own life, but American society as well) and see them from a totally different perspective since I'm not there anymore. I think it's going to be the same way when I get back home from here. I'll more than likely be able to write about it then.

So to wrap this up, I am going to try and blog a little bit more while I'm over here, but I'm not going to be blogging about India. I think it's time to put these other thoughts in my head into writing before they go away. I'd make it a resolution to blog more in 2011, but I'm pretty sure that I did that for 2010, and as you can see, there's less than a dozen blogs. So, fuck resolutions in my opinion; as soon as you make a resolution you probably won't keep it anyway because you made a point to make it a resolution in the first place. If there's things you want to change in your life, bring the change about when the time is proper(like don't try losing weight in winter, you need extra fat for insulation!) Also don't set goals that you know are unachievable, it's simply just counterproductive. If you're going to set goals, set small goals and when you achieve them set a few more small goals until eventually that big goal actually is accomplished.

Ok before I start sounding like a life coach(too late)............

Happy New Year. May your year be filled with health, love and happiness. If you want have a resolution be sure to have this one and keep it:

Enjoy the little things in life. You'll never realize how important they are until they're gone.

Namaste.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T23:51:00.000-06:00

I know I'm late on a post like this but I am after all the queen of procrastinators. So Merry Christmas to all, and all that other sentimental crap.

My trip to Kerala

2010-12-01T09:39:00.000-06:00

So yesterday we traveled to Kerala, a state south of Karnataka(Karnataka is the state that I'm in now) to go see the Ayurvedic doctor. This is the world's first Ayurvedic hospital, and the main doctor there is the #1 Ayurvedic doctor in India and has received India's highest honor(like an Indian Nobel prize) He has done extensive research with cancer and has published a few papers on cancer as well. More on him in a moment.

So we left at 5 in the afternoon, we hired a driver for the trip. The driver had a diesel car, btw :P Diesel cars are pretty popular over here, which sucks because Americans want diesel cars too(Nissan makes a diesel!! for India though) So we had to get past this one check point on the highway before 9:00, since the highway goes through a forest, and the government doesn't want the wildlife to be disturbed at night. It was dark when we were going through the forest, but I did see one elephant.

After the forest stretch of highway, pretty soon we crossed over the Karnataka/Kerala border, and entered the Malabar Hills. In order to get to the bottom of the hill and back to normal highways, we had to go down the side of a mountain. Indian driving may be bad, but Indian driving+darkness+mountain driving=pretty damn scary. Since this was the main way between states, there was a lot of truck traffic, as well as buses. Its scary when the oncoming trucks and buses look like they're going to hit you at every turn, and in addition to many normal turns, there are nine hairpin curves. And these roads were built with minimum funds, since the engineers cut corners and pocketed the extra money, the roads are in poor condition. It reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons when the potholes in town were so big they were swallowing cars. What was cool though is when the car on the side close to the barrier, you could see the town down in the valley; we were really high up so the lights looked really cool.

So when we got down(finally) we went to Calicut, the city where we were planning on spending the night. When we got to Calicut we spent almost an hour asking where this certain hotel was, and we finally found it around midnight. It looked like a nice hotel except for the fact(and we never thought of this) I didn't have my passport. There's a police order in Calicut(and other cities) than foreigners cannot stay in hotels without their passports, since they're trying to track everybody's movements. They wouldn't accept a faxed copy of my passport so we ended up going to a hotel down the street who didn't ask for it. It wasn't as nice as the other hotel but it was tolerable, we had a sheet to put on the bed. We got about 4 hours of sleep before we had to get up and get ready again.

The town we were going to was about 4 hours away from Calicut(I don't remember the name of it) I dozed most of the way, so I don't remember it. I do remember seeing a cattle auction in some suburb of Calicut, they were selling what appeared to be breeding stock for this cow that sort of looked like a mini brown water buffalo. I also learned that auto-rickshaws are very versatile. I saw somebody sitting in the back of one with two goats :P

When we got to the hospital, it was sort of off the beaten path. I didn't take any pictures because Mukthi had my camera(I had given it to her the night before when I had to use a public bathroom) But the hospital was very beautiful. The Malabar region in general is very beautiful, there are soooo many palm trees and its very hilly and rocky. What is cool is in the hospital compound, there was a fenced in area inside where they grew the herbs that they used in all of their medicines, and Mukthi said they have many acres more of herbs that they used in their preparations. Mukthi's father commented that the mosquitoes were huge, probably due to the plentiful super herbs :P

So at the hospital, before you see the doctor you get to consult with a secretary and in short tell him(or her) all of your problems, present and past, which you wish to be addressed to the doctor. These are, of course, written down in a file. Then you had to wait your turn to see the doctor.

They had several doctors at the hospital, there is a different doctor there every day. The doctor that we saw only comes once a week, on Tuesdays, and the rest of the week he spends traveling around the entire country, only spending Sundays at his home. When I went into the room to see the doctor, he sits at a long table with about five or six other people; I'm not sure what they all do but one person reads from the patient file, and another person writes down the doctor's prescriptions. The doctor spoke English, but to be honest, I couldn't understand him that well because his accent was really thick. I got the gist of what he was saying though. He asked me a few questions about what I told the secretary, then prescribed accordingly. Because I didn't understand the doctor as well as I wanted to, I was worried that I didn't give enough information. Mukthi explained to me afterwards though that he is such a good doctor, that just by looking at you he can usually tell you what is the matter with you. Facial features are enough to be able to tell what a person's doshic* constitution is, which I thought was super cool.

*for those of you who don't know, Ayurveda treats according to what a person's doshic constitution. There are three different doshas: kapha, pitta and vata, and each constitution has a list of emotional and physical qualities. Different diseases are also related to specific doshas. Again, its hard to explain in a nutshell!

They have the pharmacy on the front side of the building where consultations are. I got two months supply of medicine(almost a dozen bottles of things) for $30, and the consultation was a few dollars. According to Mukthi, this hospital likes to stay low key, so that it can remain a mainly charitable organization, helping those that want to use the medicine for curative purposes rather than enhancing health. Therefore, they make the medicines and consultations affordable to poorer patients, making very little money in the process.

Another cool thing is that they medicines are made with herbs they grow themselves, using the same methods that were used 5000 years ago. The medicines take months to make, but in the end, they have a product that is unique only to them. You can only buy their medicines if they are prescribed to you, because all of these medicines are unique to each dosha type. You cannot buy extra medicine, only what you need, and you cannot buy medicine for another person(like to refill a prescription) They do this, again, because it is a charitable organization.

So afterwards we ate out; I only ate rice because I wasn't feeling well enough to eat spicy food, and Mukthi advised against eating certain foods out. Then we went home.

Its really hard to try and describe trips from one place to another, because there is so so so much that you see. From awesome houses, to temples, mosques, churches, roadside shops etc you can't describe it all. In the Malabar region though we saw a lot of rice patties and lumber mills. Another thing about traveling through India by car is that the main highways are only two-lanes, so you really feel like you're going on a back road through the forest.

When we got back to Malabar Hills it was dusk, so seeing the sun set over the mountains was a breathtaking sight. I got pictures, they're sort of grainy but its better than nothing. Going up the mountain in the dark was just as scary as going down the mountain in the dark.

I was so tired by the time we got back to Mysore at a quarter after 10. I hadn't slept much, I dozed in the car and that was about it. I slept in until 9 this morning. I start my medicine tomorrow when I can do it when I'm supposed to.

So I have have this bitter ghee to take in the morning at 6 AM, two alcoholic preparations to take after lunch and dinner, and a mixture of honey and herbs to take before I go to bed. Also I have two kinds of oil to apply over my body a couple times a week(according to Mukthi they are for pitta-vata)

So that was my crazy two day trips to Kerala.

Continuing....

2010-11-23T04:40:00.000-06:00

I'm still really not used to blogging, meaning I still feel like I'm not good at it. Then again how can you really be good or bad at this? I still suck at making titles anyway.

So continuing from where I left off, now I really don't know what to say since there is so much to say.

Walking back to the car after leaving the airport, I had this extremely surreal feeling(which I still have) like I couldn't believe I was really in India, on the OTHER side of the world. The first thing that really caught my attention was in amongst the crowds of people there was a dog, kind of skinny and a bit mangy looking, it wasn't that last one I would see on my journey. So after we got to the car and got all of our luggage loaded up, I got my first taste of Indian driving.

Indian driving is sort of.....crazy. To put it frankly. There are lines on the road but you'll never see a straight line of traffic. People on mopeds will go in between cars with little space to spare. Everybody is cutting everybody else off and everybody has their hand almost glued to the horn. In driving school they teach us defensive driving; in India its mostly offensive driving.

So on the ride home, my intellect was pretty much fried from the jet lag(I don't really remember it) I couldn't really comprehend what I was seeing right away. I always thought that when people referred to "slums" in India, they meant neighborhoods in cities. Along the highway, slums were everywhere. Some were crude shacks made out of corrugated tin, others were made out of old billboards, some where made out of palm branches, and still others were nothing but tarps on a string. It was a sad sight, but what can you do about it?

So another thing that you see a fair amount over here is cows. They pretty much run loose; occasionally you will see cows tied to posts but for the most part they run free. And for those of you wondering if cows are sacred, they are. This is due mostly to the fact that they provide milk for their calves as their mother, and they provide milk for humans as well. Because they provide milk for humans they are seen as mothers to humans as well, which is what makes them sacred.

We had an almost three hour drive from Bangalore to Mysore, and I fell asleep through half of it. Notable things I remember seeing was a flight school which was surrounded by concrete and barbed wire fence, and a riding school. Also, there were many various Hindu temples along the road side, all richly decorated. I also saw a few mosques, including a very large one somewhere near(or in) Bangalore.

When we got to Mysore, I was so tired that everything looked the same, so I can't really describe it. Even now after being around different areas of Mysore a few times I can't describe it, I'm really not used to the city. There are lots of people selling green coconuts on the side of the road; these are for drinking the fresh milk out of them.

So we finally got to Mukthi's parent's house, a very nice little one story abode. All the houses(and most of the houses in the city) are made out of cement and steel and surrounded by a short cement wall on all four sides. They houses are decorated very nicely and are very pretty. Pretty much all of the houses have access to their roof, which they use to dry clothes as well as drying grains in the sunshine. Most houses also have a coconut tree or two either in their enclosure or nearby, which provides them with an ample supply of coconuts throughout the year.

We received a very warm welcome from Mukthi's mother. Lunch was being prepared when we got in, and I was shown around the house and shown the the shower(since that's all I really wanted after going more than 24 hours without one) So they don't really have showers here...or baths. Which is fine with me, they have hot water which is really all I could really ask for. What bathing consists of is filling a bucket with water, and using a good sized cup and pouring water over yourself. Not bad, you get pretty clean actually.

So afterwards I brushed my teeth and since jet-lag effected my judgment, I didn't think anything about using the tap water to brush my teeth instead of water from the reverse osmosis system. I sat down to lunch and I really really did not want to eat; as soon as I sat down I had the biggest wave of homesickness, since in our house we all eat meals together and there's always lively talk. Its like at that moment I finally felt like "wow, this is really real" So before I could start crying, I excused myself saying I was really tired since I didn't sleep at all. So I went to my room and started crying. Then I started to feel sick in my stomach, and I was like oh shit..... Thank goodness for po chai pills, which is pretty much Chinese super pepto bismol. So I took my pills and went to sleep, being woken up three hours later by mosquito attacks. We sleep in mosquito nets at night because the windows don't have screens on them, and they don't have A/C so they keep the windows open all the time for ventilation. Its pretty nice actually.

So ends my current tale, after I woke up I didn't feel any better, ended up crying in front of Mukthi. I hate crying in front of people, I don't know why,I just do. It taken me almost a week to get used to the spicy Indian food, I didn't really eat much at first since I really had no appetite. Once you get used to the spice of Indian food though, spicy food becomes really addicting. More about food later though.

Peace.

The Flight

2010-11-19T02:06:00.000-06:00

So I've only been here for I think three days now, and I have so much to tell. Its hard to know what to say and where to start, so I'll split this up into parts and tell it from the beginning starting with......I guess when I said goodbye.

So, I, as a general rule, suck at goodbyes. For me they've always been awkward. My parents drove me to Dekalb to Mukthi's(my chaperon's) house since they were giving me a ride to O'Hare. So I was already tired since I had been up since 4:30, so tiredness and goodbyes are not a good combination. So of course I cried when I said goodbye to my mom and dad, mostly because they hugged me(yes, mom and dad I know its weird) But yeah whatever.

So we got to O'Hare and we were 3 hours early *fist pump* so we ate supper. Mukthi said goodbye to her husband, and we made our way through security. Maybe I'm just an airhead but I didn't think the security checks were that bad. Our flight was delayed 20 minutes so we still had an hour to wait for our flight. Mukthi's daughter, Safayah, really set the mood for me. She loves planes and was soooo excited. Her son, Shayan, wanted to go home, so Mukthi told him that they were going to their Indian home. His prompt reply was: "India is not home, India is India!" He's such a cutie.

So the first leg of the flight was about 7 hours, from Chicago to London. We rode on a Boeing 777, which despite its size the coach section is super cramped, and I managed to get stuck behind an asshole who put his seat back the moment we took off and refused to put it back up even during dinner. I'm not claustrophobic but that I could not stand. So when dinner was served, we hit turbulence, so I REALLY didn't want to eat. I ate some, but not much. Sleep deprivation was starting to hit me, but there were two movies I really wanted to see playing on the TV screen so I stayed up and watched those instead. I dozed off during The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but I got the gist of the movie, which was pretty good. Then there was an interlude inbetween movies where they played these really trippy, sort of disturbing(well very disturbing) Canadian cartoons. They were adult cartoons and not funny at all. So then after those were over I stayed up and watched Eclipse, because even though I'm over my Twilight faze, I'm still morbidly curious about how bad the movies are. It was ok. That is all. So after the movie it was 2:30 CST, so I tried to catch a few Z's before breakfast was to be served. I dozed, but didn't really sleep since it wasn't that comfortable. Breakfast was served, in accordance with turbulence, and I at a bit of a muffin and that was it. The muffin was sickening sweet and from experience sweet+turbulence=puke. Simple equation, I know.

So we landed in London on schedule but we were stuck on the flight-line for nearly 90 minutes since there was no unloader thingy(technical term) available. We finally got off, took a subway ride to another part of the terminal and went through security. Security was stricter in London than it was at Chicago. Since Mukthi had water bottles for the kids, security confiscated them and were going to give them back after they emptied them out. So we waited and I watched people like I do. I've noticed that British 40-something women dress like 20 year olds in tight, low cut tops(with boob jobs), skinny jeans or tights, and stilettos. I don't know how anybody could travel in stilettos. So we finally got our water bottles back and we went to lunch.

London was very foggy by the way, so I didn't see anything. And I really didn't feel like I was in London, which is part 1 of jet-lag. So just as we finished lunch we realized that we were going to be late for our bus. So we made it to the terminal just as the buses were getting there, which was lucky. We rode the bus through the maze of access roads away from the terminal to our plane, a Boeing 747. For being a smaller plane, it had waaaayyy more leg room. Taking off was kind of scary: looking out the window it would be clear, then you'd go through a big block of fog on the ground, then clear, then fog, until they finally got it up.

Part 2 of the trip from London to Bangalore was almost 10 hours. I didn't have the patience or mental capacity(jet-lag part 2) for movies, so I watched part of several movies. I watched all of the new Robin Hood which although it was very good, I really didn't understand what was going on. I didn't eat much supper again(served with turbulence of course) and didn't sleep much at all. I mostly watched the plane on the map of my TV screen trying to figure out which country we were over.

I will say this: although I've never been on a commercial flight before, British Airways is awesome. All the stewards and stewardesses are super nice and helpful, and they talk in British accents which is a plus. But its also infectious since I had a strong inclination to talk in an accent, but I refrained from doing so. My thoughts are in British though.

It was kind of surreal when we finally got over India. I looked out the window, the morning light of dawn was just starting to touch the land. I couldn't see much through the clouds, but I could see the hills and the some rivers than went through the land. We landed in Bangalore two hours late due to delays in London. It was raining but the weather was sooo nice, about 60 degrees. When I got in the terminal the first thing I noticed was the security guards carry really nice AK-47's. We got our baggage and exchanged our American dollars for Indian rupees. $200 translates to approximately 8000 rupees. We got outside and we were met by Mukthi's father, and one of her childhood friends. I received a very warm welcome. Indian people are so nice, and very welcoming to foreigners.

So ends the account of my flight. My next chapter will be about the two hour drive from Bangalore to Mysore, so stick around.

And pardon my writing style, I haven't been able to get my original back yet, hopefully it will come in time. Then again I suck at relating events.

Peace.

We're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy.....

2010-11-17T21:55:00.000-06:00

I mean...er...Illinois.

I'm not going to make this post long, my mind is still extremely foggy from jet lag. Jet lag is a very weird thing.

So anyway, I am in India. I've only been here a day and I already have a slew of stories to tell, but later. I'm not typing anything when I can't think.

I miss everybody so much.

Peace.

Look at all those cobwebs......

2010-11-14T10:17:00.000-06:00

*cough cough* Damn this place is dusty. I haven't touched it since....January? WTF. Soooo.........

My year has been extremely crazy, fun, sad, thoughtful, the whole nine yards. Its been probably the best year of my life. I snuck out and went to my first concert, yes my first(and probably last) act of rebellion! It was awesome. Flyleaf, Breaking Benjamin and THREE DAYS GRACE! Story coming soon. ;) My parents tore down our old falling down farmhouse and are building a new house and I've fallen in and out of love....and right back in again. But nothing is as epic as the last great event of my 18th year on this earth..........

I'm going to India.

Yep thats right, this little loudmouthed Illinois farm girl is going to the other side of the world. For two months.

Its kind of weird how this all happened(and now its time to learn about a different side of me) We got a new milk customer who is from India who started buying goat milk from us. At the time, my mom, who is the world's biggest health nut, had just discovered Indian cooking, and our customer was giving mom pointers as well as leading her in different directions as far as health and well being goes. That's when she introduced her to Ayurveda, an Indian medicine and way of life that's impossible to put in a nutshell. It's a combination of spirituality, medicine, health, being in tune with nature, and total well-being all in one package.

I've never been the health nut to the extent that my mom is, but I've always been searching for the things that are right in life, the things that belong. Ayurveda belongs. I have been greatly influenced by my mom when it comes to health and thinking outside the box to achieve good health. When I first read about Ayurveda, it all made sense. How spirituality and health are connected.

I've been raised Catholic, and I've been instructed in the Catholic religion quite extensively. And of course, I've been instructed in healthy eating. For whatever reason, separately, neither topic inspired me. Religion has its downfalls and its hard to teach other people about healthy eating when they just don't get it. Because of Ayurveda, I've seen the essential thing that is missing in this society, which is that what I believe to be the all-too-important connection between health and spirituality. In Ayurveda, too be happy in your life, in your body and in your soul brings good health. Many people seem to overlook the importance of keeping your body happy and healthy.

As a Catholic, I've been taught that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, and we must not defile these temples by of course sin. Neither are we to defile these temples by bad things such as drugs or alcohol. But what about food? If we eat unhealthily, our bodies suffer. We become obese, we develop heart disease, cancer and diabetes. The more unhealthy and sick we become, the more depressed we get, negative energy spreads throughout the body and makes us sicker.

We live in a society where every desire receives instant gratification. We want a soda? Go grab one out of the fridge. Fried chicken? Pull in the drive thru. Unhealthy foods that years ago were not available are now available at our fingertips. And if these foods were available 50 years ago they were treats. How often have you listened to your grandparents tell you how special it was to go and get a soda? Or a piece of candy?

I'm not saying that its evil to eat unhealthy food, I'm saying that its evil to overeat unhealthy foods. They should be a treat and everything needs to be taken in moderation. Its about balance.

Anyway that's just the tip of the iceberg of whats been going through my head the past couple months. And you don't have to connect this with religion like I am; it should be something that everybody should implement in their lives in some way. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I don't have much time to write this.

Anyway to wrap things up and get back on topic, I will be leaving for Mysore, India tomorrow. I will be going for treatments in an Ayurvedic clinic for my allergies and a few other health issues for a month. The other month I will be staying with my chaperon's family on a coconut grove, learning about culture and how to cook. I will try and blog whenever I can get internet, and try to unravel this fascinating topic in a simple form.

Thanks to everybody for the well wishes! I will miss you all very much and I love each and every one of you. I'm sorry I won't be here for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or my birthday, but I'll be there in spirit. Love you guys, and see you all later.

Victim of War

2010-01-15T22:20:00.001-06:00

I haven't been up to writing a blog in a while so I decided to post one of my latest short stories. The scene described(minus the head on the tree) was a dream I had a few weeks ago, and I just fashioned a story around it. Enjoy :)

Victim of War

Everything had been silent for a long time save for the steady dripping of water in the corner. I had no notion of the time but I knew that it had been nearly a day since I last heard the guns. Nobody had come back for me yet and I feared the worse.

I made my way from the back of the bunker groping in the pitch black and dampness trying to find the door. After what seemed like ages I finally found the latch. I pushed up on the door as hard as I could until it finally gave way just enough to let the dim light of day creep in. Even though the light wasn’t very bright it hurt my eyes after being in the complete dark for almost four days. I shielded my eyes and peered out to make sure it was safe before I ventured out. I heaved the door up a little more and slipped out, easing the door down so it would shut quietly. I wrapped a handkerchief around my mouth to hide the steam of my breath in the chilly air.

The entire forest was deserted. Not a living thing stirred and everything was eerily silent. The sky was dark grey and hung low like a ceiling over the forest. I grasped the knife in my belt as I made my way through the muddy tracks of tanks and jumped over newly fallen trees, careful to make sure there were no booby traps or mines.

The trees of the forest were riddled with the holes of gunshots and there were evidences of blood here and there. I prayed that it was the blood of the enemy.

I had walked through this forest so many times as a child, it was the only place I felt safe. Its beauty brought me happiness; its life brought me comfort. I’m sixteen now and times are different; happiness is just a thing of the past to me and there is no more comfort to be found in the world.

As I made my way I came upon a rifle resting in the bracken. Ignoring the blood nearby picked I up and examined it: it was one of the enemy’s and had a nearly full clip of ammo. I felt guilty taking a weapon that had probably killed one of my neighbors but a knife is not enough to protect or feed myself.

Just as I was ready to go on my way again I heard the report of a gunshot. I crouched down on my belly, hoping I was hidden in the ferns. My heart was trying to pound itself out of my chest as I waited for what seemed like an eternity to hear something else. Finally I heard more cracks and relaxed as I realized it was just a tree falling down. Everything seems to set me on an edge these days.

My father had told me before the enemy came that after everything had fallen silent I was to go to the old oak in the meadow and look for a sign to know what to do. I was heading there now and with every step that took me closer I knew that the sign would not be good.

Suddenly I stumbled into a newly made clearing filled with smoke and a ghastly stench. Fearing that a trap would be set in the open, I skirted around the clearing, trying to see what was burning. I spotted two big piles and my empty stomach turned as I realized what was burning. Underneath the burning trees were bodies of the fallen; the stench was so overwhelming that I retched. I knew that it was the enemy that was burning though, because the enemy did not burn the bodies of dead, but left them after a battle to rot and be eaten by carrion birds. This gave me a little hope but it was hard to feel hope when you witnessed such horrible sights as this. This is war, I tell myself and move on.

When I finally come to the meadow, I hardly recognize it. Its beauty, its peacefulness has been replaced with ugliness and brutality. The green waving grasses have been burnt and blackened and tanks have turned the ground to mud. I can see the old oak on the other side, its massive limbs have been broken but the trunk still stands unmoved.

I carefully made my way through the mud, keeping my eyes on the tree. I tripped and fell into the mud. As I got up I pushed myself up on what I thought was a tree branch until I looked over and saw it was the arm of a man. Fear paralyzed me as I got up and looked around, finally realizing what I was seeing in the mud.

Bodies. Hundreds of them. Dead. My family. My friends. My neighbors. Dead. I stifled a scream and ran as fast as I could towards the old oak, trying not to stumble as I ran over the bodies.

When I came to the oak, I saw the sign, it was the sign of the enemy. I fell to my knees and covered my face.

My father’s head was nailed to the tree, his decapitated body was sitting against the base. I kneeled there frightened out of my wits, feeling alone in the world. I couldn’t understand how anybody could do something so horrible.

I knew I couldn’t stay here, but I didn’t know where to go. I knew my father would not have left me without giving some message, some hope. I crawled over to his headless body with silent tears covering my face and I went through his pockets until I encountered a note. I pulled it out and keeping my eyes on the ground I crawled to the other side of the tree.

The note was smeared with dirt and blood and was hard to make out in the dim light.

“Dearest Lise,” it read in my father’s short stroked hand-writing. “We have killed many, but we are now surrounded. There is no hope, we cannot hold out through the night. I know you are strong and you will carry on. Look for the others, they will help. You know where to look. Do not let them capture you. You are my daughter and remember to always honor your family. I love you with all my heart and I always will, never forget that.”

I folded the letter and put it away. Covering my face I cried until I could cry no more. When I was finished I had no idea how long I had been there. I had the sudden feeling that I was not alone. I looked around but there was not a living soul.

When I reached down to pick up my rifle leaned against the tree I felt the cold blade of a knife on my throat and a rough voice whispered in my ear “What do we have here?” He pulled me back roughly by my hair, keeping his knife at my throat and leaving my arms free, which was a mistake. My instincts kicked in as I grabbed my knife and stabbed him the stomach, then slit his throat before he could make a sound as he staggered back.

I could hear more voices from nearby, and one saying “Don’t kill her! Capture her alive!” I grabbed my gun and took off, running away from the voices. I could hear the footsteps of half a dozen men pursuing me. When I had gained a lead on them I turned around and took two of them out with my rifle, stopping the others in their tracks.

As I pulled the trigger and killed one more I heard somebody coming up behind me. As I started to turn around he knocked the gun out of my hands and punched me in the face, sending me to the ground. I tried to recover from the punch but he had bound my arms before I could get up again.

“Well should we have our way with her?” one of the men who had been pursing me before asked with a chuckle.

“No, the boss said he wants to see her first and if he can’t get any information out of the bitch then we can have her,” the man who had bound me answered with a wicked smile.

After the man who was in charge took my knife he slung me over his shoulder, since it was easier than forcing me to walk. My face pulsed from the punch and I could taste blood in my mouth. I felt too dizzy hanging from his shoulder to fight back.

After a while the necklace I was wearing around my neck worked its way out of my shirt and dangled down to rest on my face. The necklace was my freedom. My father had always told me that suicide was dishonorable, but betrayal was even worse. The soldiers walking behind the man who was carrying me could not see my face; I worked at the chain with my tongue until the glass vile rested between my teeth.

When we had arrived at their camp the man threw me roughly on the ground. The men saw the necklace hanging from my mouth and knew what it was. I bit down on the vile just as they yanked it out of my mouth. The glass cut my tongue and the taste of cyanide and blood was bittersweet in my mouth. When the men realized what I had done, they began showering me with blows and kicking me. My life was ended, and I prayed that the rest of the resistance would avenge the death of me and my family.

End of an Era

2009-12-31T12:15:00.000-06:00

Its hard to believe that ten years have already gone by. It seems like only yesterday I was thinking the world was going to end at 8 years old, Y2K was going to kill us all. Then the clock turned at midnight and nothing happened of course. Just like tonight when the clock turns nothing will happen, except half of us will still be writing 2009 on our checks next week forgetting that it’s 2010.

Its hard to believe the time that has passed after all the events of the decade. Two presidents, neither worth writing about in a history book, an attack which shocked the nation, a war, tsunami, hurricanes, a new pope, technological advances, the death of icons, stock market crashes, economic failure. I know I’m forgetting a lot, but I was never one to remember well in the first place.

Time flies so fast its hard to keep track sometimes, or stay on the track for that matter.

These ten years are filled with memories. Some memories I want to cherish, but will probably forget; other memories I will want to forget but they will still naw at my subconscious self.

This is the decade I will always cherish though, it is the decade which shaped me, changed me for the better and it was in this period of time that I was finally able to uncover who I was, who I am, who I want to be, and who I hope to always be. Me. Not some stupid sheep that follows the crowd, just the horribly plain me.

As I sit here writing this I wonder if ten years from now if I’ll look back and wonder: WTF was I thinking?

So to everybody, Happy New Year and Happy New Decade. May this new year and this new decade bring you health and happiness, and may the next decade be the better decade to remember.

A video for enjoyment

2009-11-11T14:25:00.001-06:00

Just a video of me shooting my dad's new pistol, a Springfield XD 9mm :)

The joys of being sick

2009-11-11T14:21:00.000-06:00

So with all the talk of swine flu(oh wait I'm sorry H1N1, which everybody should really be calling hiney) I knew sooner or later I'd probably succumb to the flu this year. Especially since I don't cover my mouth when I sneeze, or wash my hands, and I occasionally eat food off the floor, but that's besides the point. As far as swine flu goes I don't think it exists and its just another big stupid scare to get people to take a vaccine thats probably going to kill you or make you get the flu anyway. I think people are freaked out way to easily nowadays. All people really really need to eat chocolate and just chill. But, its not my job to worry about people and I don't worry anyway, so I guess I don't really care.

So my oldest brother started college and of course that means he's brought all kinds of nice little bugs home. He broke his finger falling up the stairs and then he got sick and he's like the biggest prima donna. So he sat on the couch and groaned and whined for three days until he was better then he had to tell everybody he met all of his symptoms and how bad they were and I was about ready to just put a pillow over his head......serenity now........

So anyway he got over it, I learned to be more deaf than I already am(tinnitus in one ear, hehe) so whatever. Then last Saturday the local vet was hosting a horse show to show off the Arabians she's bred and I had a few friends that were showing their horses there so of course I really wanted to go. So I made plans and went to bed on Friday night with just a bit of tightness in my chest. I thought nothing of it and went to bed. I didn't really sleep much but rather hallucinated all night long, kind of an odd experience. So I woke up with a really high fever and could barely walk. Oh fun....

So the whole morning I laid on the couch with a fever, barely able to move. Mom came in and told me I can't go to the horse show(as if it wasn't obvious) but since I was still hallucinating I told her I was and somehow convinced myself that I had actually already left and was on my way there. Yeah I was kind of pitiful.

So somehow I always manage to get the flu the same time as my brother David, who is the biggest puker ever. I fortunately have not puked in over six or seven years, which I know that makes me sound like some kind of recovering anorexic or bolemic. I learned a long time ago when I got braces that food gets caught in them, and if you throw up digested food gets caught in them and you have to taste it for a while. So I've always had this no puking resolution that I've stuck to, then again I don't really eat anything to puke up when I'm sick. I can usually go for about three days without eating when I'm sick and not feel hungry. I mean, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. Which is kind of bad because I lose weight easily when I'm sick. Last time I got the flu(which was 3 years ago) I got down to 95 pounds but I haven't lost that much weight this time.

In the spirit of being sick, I of course embrace my French heritage of not showering, and although I'm not English I've adopted not brushing my teeth which is as equally disgusting. I'd rather take no shower though over mom waking me up at six in the morning after I just fell asleep asking if the remedy worked from the night before. My mom is weird.

So I need to end here, I won't mention anything about the extreme agitation and short tempter that seems to come with being sick, as well as this sense of being totally unable to think of what you were just about to say. Which is what is happening to me right now.

But before I go, I would like to say Happy Veterans Day to all those who have bravely served this great country, past, present and future. The sacrifice you have made for my freedom is greatly appreciated.

Getting older

2009-10-28T19:05:00.000-05:00

I might as well be an 80 year old with Alzheimers for how bad my memory is. I have a thought and a second later its out the window. I think I wrote an entire blog article in my head this afternoon while I was out doing chores and as soon as I sat down here I can't remember a word of what I was going to say. I need to set up a desk and an internet connection outside, since it seems like that is the only place my mind can function properly.

So I guess I am posting this for the sake of posting.

I will say though in other writing I've finished a test on an extremely stupid play, although I still have an interpretive essay to do on the same play. And I've written a whole chapter in my book(yay!) now I just need to write a short story which I absolutely positively suck at doing.

I want to do Halloween but my mother seems to think that dressing up and getting free candy is the darkest offence to the Catholic church. Which really sucks because I had the most awesome My Chemical Romance inspired costume idea. Oh well, screw it. Speaking of which I need some chocolate, my stash is empty.

I really don't like being mature, is it stupid to say I really wish I could be a stupid, thoughtless teenager sometimes?

Before the Lobotomy

2009-10-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Don't ask, I couldn't think of a title, thats what I happen to be listening to right now.

I don't know how many times I tell myself I need to blog more, but I don't know why I tell myself that. I mean honestly, if I have something to say I'll say it, but I've realized with blogging that I'm not really a 'me-me-me' person. I don't know, my biggest problem is not being able to organize my thoughts and put them down in type, which is frustrating. lol, idk.

At times I feel like I've found my identity, found who I really am and who I really want to be. And at times I feel like I don't know myself, and I'm still searching. Life is unbearable at times when you feel the skeleton in your closet scratching at the door.

On a lighter note, I had writer's block the other night so I decided to go back and rewrite this scene in my book because one of my friends suggested the Ian needed to bring a ladder to get Sybil off the roof(she jumps off and breaks her ankle in the real scene) so here is what happened. And I discovered that I really really suck at third person writing, although this is only the roughest of drafts. Enjoy =D

Chapter 6: Alternate Sneak Out Scene aka this is what comes about when I get writer’s block

Have you ever wanted to sneak out but you were stopped because of being unable to get off of that damn house roof without breaking your ankle because you’re such a clumsy retard? Then you can be at rest and sneak out with your boyfriend to go to a drinking party with the Fucking Tiny Monster Ladder!
Sybil has a fun filled night planned a head of her. Going out with a guy her aunt and uncle don’t approve of to a drinking party while being grounded is her idea of a good night but there’s one slight problem Sybil faces as she climbed out her window.
“Oh Ian! Help me! What ever am I supposed to do? I am stuck on the porch roof and cannot get down!” she says in obvious distress.
“Never fear dearest Sybil! I’ll get you to that drinking party with the Fucking Tiny Monster Ladder!” Ian replies jubilantly.
“What the fuck is that?”
“Why it’s the answer to get you off that goddamned roof, look!” he replies pulling the palm sized ladder out of his pocket.
“Its fucking tiny! How is that piece of crap supposed to get me down?”
“Watch, it easily unfolds from this fucking tiny size to this huge ass monster size!” he replies struggling to work the idiotically simple mechanism that unfolds the ladder. After a few four-letter words and a sliced thumb he succeeds in unfolding it and placed it against the house.
“Sybil, climb down and I will whisk you away from this fucking crappy place and drown your troubles with tequila!” As Sybil goes to grab a step on the ladder, it breaks off and the jagged edge of it cuts her arm.
“Wow! What sort of material is this fucking piece of shit ladder made of?”
“Why only the cheapest and worst quality Chinese metal is used to make the Fucking Little Monster Ladder. You can be assured that the quality of the ladder will barely last a single use.”
“Wow it must be one shitty ladder,” Sybil replies as she tries to stop her profuse bleeding.
“You can be assured that the Fucking Tiny Monster Ladder is the shittiest ladder in the industry. No other ladder can come close to its lack of quality.”
As Sybil mounts the ladder and begins to climb down the steps give way and she falls to the ground and breaks her arm.
“Wow!” she says jumping up. “That was much easier than jumping off the roof!”
“What is all this commotion out here?” Ron says and he and Denise come outside looking quite disheveled.
“Why Uncle Ron! I was just sneaking out with Ian to go to a drinking party!” Sybil replies enthusiastically jumping up and down while her arm hangs lifelessly.
“Yes Mr. Mestelle I was helping Sybil sneak out because you and Mrs. Mestelle are such overbearing assholes.” Ian replies putting his arm around Sybil.
“But you’re grounded Sybil Lenore, how ever did you get out without using the front door?” Denise asks.
“Why Ian was nice enough to bring his Fucking Tiny Monster Ladder so I could sneak out my window and climb down from the roof!”
“Why what in the world is the Fucking Tiny Monster Ladder?” Ron asks getting flustered.
“Why it’s the crappiest ladder in the industry, its barely strong enough to support the weight of a fly,” Ian says motioning to the ruined ladder leaning against the house.
“Wow! What a piece of shit! How much does something like that cost?” Ron asks crumpling the ladder like a tin can.
“The Fucking Tiny Monster Ladder can be yours for only 30 easy payments of $99.95!” Ian says motioning with his arm towards the ladder knocking Sybil in the face during the process.
“Wow! 30 easy payments of $99.95? That’s so unaffordable I can’t pass it up!” Ron says ecstatically.
“Yep and it’s guaranteed to never last past its first use and if it breaks then tough shit mister,” Ian replies with one of his thousand watt smiles.
“Wow! Well isn’t that the most fucked up deal ever!” Ron exclaims. “Now you kids get your asses off somewhere or I’ll call the cops!”
“Yes sir dumbass!” Ian and Sybil exclaim as they run off for their fun filled night.

Time has no essence

2009-09-16T17:57:00.000-05:00

And I suck at making titles.

So this is my first post this summer, and summer is almost over. My life is flashing away right before my eyes and I don't even realize it. The days go by like sand through an hourglass, and at times I don't even seem to notice their passing. My life seems to routine, there is no change, no variation. Always the same, very little change. I don't know, I can hardly voice what I'm thinking anymore.

So recap of the summer for my invisible readers and those who happen to come to my blog through random search engines.

So in May Green Day finally released their 10th album and I of course bought it. It is so awesome, but I'll say that I don't think its quite as good as American Idiot, but still awesome. Its nice to hear some new music from them guys, Billie Joe is such a great lyricist, he really knows how to speak through his music. Green Day is still my all-time favorite band and I sincerely hope they never care what anybody thinks about them and keep on rockin. I did happen to get tickets to see Green Day in Chicago but at the last minute my main ride and my back-up ride had to ditch me due to some things so I didn't get to see them. Fortunately I'm a pessimist and I had a feeling from the moment I bought the tickets that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to go. So no hard feelings on anybody, but I'm stealing my parent's car to see them next spring for sure. hehehehe..........

I just realized I haven't bought any new CDs since May, I need some new music. Huh.

So since I needed a bit more variation in my life I started taking riding(well, horse training) lessons from a friend. She's learning piano from me in exchange, so its not a bad deal. Unfortunately, this has ignited a long dormant passion for horses, which is quite unquenchable. So since my parents won't allow me to have a horse, and I can't afford one, I have to wait until after college before I can consider getting a horse. I'm having fun with the groundtraining though, I'm working with Arabians which are such amazing and beautiful animals. I'm learning Parelli Natural Horsemanship which is a very awesome program, I honestly don't know why more people don't use it. Its very enlightening to learn about horse behavior and actions.

So, I went to the WI State Fair to see my 2nd best friend. Its funny that its only the second time I've met her. She's an awesome person and we had a great time. Kind of funny that the only thing at the WI SF is food and beer. I did get to see the Budwieser Clydesdales, which were very awesome. Here's a pic of Katherine and I
So anyway, went to a few other fairs, ate a bunch of junk food, etc etc, normal summer stuff I guess.

I've been turning and idea over in my head for sometime about writing a book so I've finally taken initiative and so I've started writing one. Its sort of a cheesy teenage romance novel with a couple murder twists thrown in. I don't really like it but I'm just writing it to prove to myself that I can do it. I've got much much better horror stories on the drawing board though.

And finally I want to close this on a very personal note. This summer, my BFF and sister Brenna ran away from home so that she could be with the love of her life. I don't know if you'll ever read this Brenna, but I want you to know how I feel.

I love you as a best friend and sister Brenna, you are the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. I want you to know that I'm not judging what you did, because I know you did what you thought was best for you and you did what you wanted, not what somebody else wanted. I would never judge you, because you never judged me. You were there for me when I was down, you made me laugh, you inspired me to be who I wanted to be, not what everybody else thought I should. If you don't want to be my friend anymore I completely understand and respect your decision.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my mom always bitches that I or my brother's don't do anything for her for mothers day(or she complains if we do) so I decided I'd write her a poem this year. I think its extremely corny but feel free to use it as a free gift on your mother =D

To my mother
Because you are unlike any other
Even though it sometimes seems that I hate you
You and I both know that is really not true
I know that you care about me
And see things in a way that I don't see
I know that you always care
Even when you don't seem fair
You've loved me even before I knew how to crawl
And you were there almost every time I would fall
You've taught me there is more to life than what there appears to be
And to always take care of those around me
I say this because you are my mother
A mother unlike any other

Ps, that is a really bad pic of my mom, I wish i had a better one =P

Fire

2009-04-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

On an evening such as this
It never ceases to bring me bliss
For my eyes never seem to tire
To see the dusky sky all on fire

The sun has burned out in all her glory
Ending the day like a story
Dreamlike as the sky seems to be
Oh what a sight i love to see!

Long after the sun has went to bed
The sky is still hued with orange and red
Yet it still continues to burn with all its might
As a glorious prelude to the coming night

Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown

2009-04-07T18:11:00.001-05:00

Happy Easter

2009-04-06T18:03:00.000-05:00

So this week is Holy Week, also known as Easter Week. I always find it funny how society wants to try their damnedest to keep religion out of things. Easter is a perfect example. Next to Christmas, Easter is another big spending holiday but nobody wants to admit that it was and still is a religious holiday to begin with. I mean, how the fuck do you get a freakin' bunny to be the symbol for Easter when that has nothing to do with Christ's rising from the dead? Its like have Santa Claus at Christmas, or Valentines Day, or St. Patrick's Day. The latter of which has nothing to do with getting drunk on a weekday and should really only be celebrated properly by Catholics or people of Irish heritage because St. Patrick was not a drunken idiot, he was a SAINT! Are people seriously that afraid of offending non-Christians that we cannot celebrate Christian holidays for what they really are about? Not about bunnies, Santa, drinking, or stupid hallmark cards, but the religious ideals and beliefs that we are supposed to celebrate? I'm surprised they haven't pulled the Happy Holidays crap at Easter. People suck.

I will say though, those Reese's peanut butter eggs are kick ass.

Oh, would somebody please tell me since when do bunnies lay eggs???? Why???? and how?????

Screw it.

Happy Easter everybody.

Fish

2009-04-03T17:32:00.000-05:00

You know I've never understood why you're not allowed to eat meat on Fridays during lent. I mean, fish could technically be considered meat, but we're still allowed to eat it on Fridays in place of meat. Seems oxymoronish.

Okay, I'm out of topics to write about so I asked my cousin Bri and she says I should write about Waffles vs. Pancakes. Mmmmm.......they sound good, I need to eat some, haven't had them in a while.

Ok well lets see, I myself an a pancake person who lives in a house of waffle people. I think pancakes are superior because you can make them as big or as little as you want and no two pancakes are alike. Not to mention pancakes can sop up like ten times the amount of syrup that waffles can. Waffles tend to be overcooked and crunchy, although the little holes in it are helpful for holding butter and syrup. I hear Belgian waffles are supposed to be like really awesome but I've never had them. Waffles are just to square and boring, they all look alike, bleck. Too conformed to the rest of the breakfast cake society, pancakes are individualistic! Not to mention pancakes always come with that huge ass dollop of butter on top.

Of course pancakes are superior, and anybody wanting to challenge that can make their own fucking breakfast.

Life is life

2009-03-28T18:50:00.000-05:00

Why is it every time I'm in church I always want to do something that is so inappropriate? Like burst out in random laughter or pick my nose. Yeah, I'm gross and weird. Church seems to be a contest to see who can stay awake the longest. Or if you sit next to my dad trying not to laugh when he acts like a two year old sitting next to you. I was sick to my stomach tonight, I sat next to a lady who was covered in three different kinds of perfume but that still couldn't cover up the fact that she was a smoker. And my nose always itches when I'm in front of people, never any other time. And I've come to accept the fact that yes I probably have lipstick on my teeth but I can't see it but everybody else can and that is so freakin annoying. Also the fact that there are no such thing as comfortable heels, they all make your feet swell but you have to sacrifice feet swelling to look somewhat better and a few inches taller.

Oh I can't wait for this snow storm thats coming at us. Seven inches and its almost April, how lovely. And the grass just started to green up, damn it.

I'm too critical lately, I need, hmmmm......I don't know what I need.

The Nightmare

2009-03-26T11:39:00.000-05:00

The Nightmare

I close my eyes to sleep,
And down I go, very deep.
Deep deep down, I go
Where dreams begin to flow.

I ascend into darkness first,
With a dying thirst
For the unknown I face,
Here in this empty place.

I enter a forest in the blackest night,
The scene presented, quite a fright.
Terrified, I try to run away,
But the demons of my dreams hold me at bay.

Out of darkness I come into light,
Wondering where I am in this dream tonight.
I hear a voice, I turn around to see
A person, in this lonely place, calling out to me.

I go to see who it might be,
But the apparition disappears in my reverie.
I feel all alone in this place,
I turn around to find a big horse in my face.

I mount the horse and take off running,
Escaping from invisible pursuers with cunning.
The scene changes, I find myself in a room,
A room of the darkest and dreariest gloom.

I see an animal approaching me,
Its anger in the highest degree.
I back away towards the wall,
And find myself starting to fall.

I awaken to find it is not true
And find myself staring at a ceiling of blue.
On a cold table of steel
In a morgue hoping this isn’t real.

Panicking, I try to awaken.
Finding myself thoroughly shaken,
I am presented with a gun.
Can this dream get anymore fun?

I put the gun to my head
At this point, I wish myself dead
I pull the trigger
To discover something bigger

I open my eyes and behold reality
I am awake and alive in actuality
Finding it was just a dream,
That made me awaken with such a scream.

I'm the new cancer

2009-03-24T18:07:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've been listening to a lot of Panic at the Disco lately.

Yeah so I've been busy, chasing little goats around the house with wash rags, delivering all the babies that have been popping out in the past few days. My life is so not normal, then again what is normal. I think that electrical outlets and plastic bags are baby magnets, for whatever baby you have.

So my nerves are pretty frayed with sleepless nights, night kiddings, feeding babies, milking, studies, not sleeping, ugh I don't wanna say anymore. What is normal? I have no idea, seems to me normal is the average of odd.

So thats my life for this month, I'm pretty much a brain dead zombie in case you couldn't tell.

March already

2009-03-13T15:41:00.000-05:00

Woohooo!! Found my first antler shed of the season, well this will probably be my only one to find, but eh I found one.

So lets see, so far with kidding there are 9 bucks and 4 does, normal crazy dreams, absent minded thoughts and actions and the normal thing of not being able to do pretty much anything. So yeah, pretty much normal.

My mind is pretty much one big garbage ball of crap, so I probably won't write about anything worth reading for a while.

Oh, I'm having lots of problems with typoes in my handwriting, if that is what you could call it. My life is wierd, I need a vacation, to somewhere other than here. My life is one big spiral staircase and I feel like I'm never going to get to the bottom. Its just a repetitive motion, around and around the circle, always doing the same thing never doing something different.

Funny part about used books

2009-02-21T17:33:00.000-06:00

Found this in my Advanced Math book, I guess this is one of the advantages of used books.

Blank

2009-02-21T13:36:00.000-06:00

Yep, title says it all I am totally blank today. I guess I'm just getting numb in preparedness for kidding, which I'm not freaking out about by the way. I'm just anxious and overly impatient this year, which isn't much better. Dreams are the funniest part, especially when Caramel has six fat yellow lab puppies. Better than the stupid grocery shopping dreams I've been having. Now you can be convinced that I've lost my mind, but I sort of lost it a long time ago anyway. Wonder if I'll ever be able to find it again......

So in my moments of bored-blank-dumb-somtimes-stupid-numbness, ok I can't see where I was going here. Oh, I find myself writing poetry for some reason, which is so weird for me especially since I hate poetry. Its mostly dark disturbing poetry though which I probably won't ever show anybody, so I guess I don't really see a point in writing it but its actually sort of fun. My Chemical Romance, Three Days Grace and 30 Seconds to Mars really help to fuel it. Now I just wish I could get my regular writing skills back.

So I finished reading Fyodor Dostoevsky's Demons. It was a bit of a drag but it was a really good book. Gotta love the typical Russian ending: pretty much most of the main and minor characters get murdered, go crazy or commit suicide.

So I got contacts the other day, they are really awesome. I'm surprised I'm not subconsciously rubbing my eyes like I do when I have mascara on.

Its snowing........again............

Clinging to sanity

2009-02-12T17:10:00.000-06:00

So lets see, kidding starts as early as next week, so this will sort of be a goodbye post to the three readers of my blog. After kidding starts, I am the most composed and in control person........when I absolutely need to be. Otherwise, I'm a total complete wreck(nobody sees that of course, haha)

I hate how I can't really put my thoughts out in the way I want. I mean, I've got so many thoughts and some of them are good but I just can't quite put them into words. Its really frustrating. I think I'm going to start writing my unmoderated thoughts in a private journal. Then in twenty years if I feel like it maybe I'll publish it. This really sucks because sanity leaving isn't helping my thought process. I seem to be bitching a lot lately, then again I seem to bitch all the time. I must be a born bitcher.

So a couple weeks ago I finished a book that a friend lent me called The Picture of Dorian Gray. Basically its about a guy who has a picture painted of him in his youth, he falls in love with the portrait and sells his soul for eternal youth. In turn, every time he does something wrong, the picture ages and his image turns horribly ugly, while he stays eternally youthful. As the picture becomes more and more hideous Dorian realizes what he is becoming. You could say the portrait has taken on the appearance of his soul.

I was thinking, I think it would be so interesting, if we had a portrait of ourselves that showed what our souls truly looked like, would we try and strive to be better and stay beautiful? If we realized the ugliness that sin imprints on our souls, every ugly mark it makes, would we try to be better and to stay spiritually beautiful?

So now I've gotten all religious and started preaching, dammit. That book really got me thinking though, awesome book, ending is even better.

Ok, so to my faithful three readers, I say so long for now, I will return somewhat(but not really) normal in a month or two. Hopefully. If I haven't been eaten by baby goats.

Solitude

2009-02-03T16:58:00.000-06:00

I came across this poem the other day when I was cleaning my room. I was something that I copied back when I was little. My mom used to get me poetry books from the library and I would sit for hours on end just copying poems. I threw most of these copied poems away, but I happened upon this one in a notebook the other day. Its always been a favorite of mine, and I think its a poem that everybody could live by or take something from.

Solitude
By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has troubles enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many,
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is a room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Incessant boredom

2009-01-24T18:24:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'm bored, as usual. IM with random friends, check my email, myspace and facebook to find they still haven't updated of course from five minutes ago. Watch random youtube movies, try and figure out why there's a countdown clock on My Chem's website, patiently wait for something to fall out of the sky and hit me or something along those lines. When the heck is summer coming?

I really need to blog more but I can never find subjects to blog on. And I find myself moderating myself more than I should when I promised I wouldn't, then again I am finding myself needing to be moderated.

So, lets see, in Sarah's tiny little world nothing and everything is going on as usual. I got my 17th birthday present, a beautiful Ruger .22, purple, of course =) Pics are on Flickr. School sucks, as usual. I finished reading Tom Sawyer and I say, what a horribly composed book. I mean, the story is ok but its very hard to follow with any plots or things like that. I finished reading The Idiot I love Russian novels, no happy endings, or semi happy endings. And I'm convinced that there is not one mentally stable Russian female character.

Ok, so I did write about something, sort of.

Just wasting time, again

2009-01-11T11:08:00.000-06:00

A friend posted this on Facebook so I thought I'd just waste five minutes a do it, I think its pretty funny.

1.Put your iPod (or music player) on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3.
YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Three Marlenas - The Wallflowers

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Beautiful - Creed

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines - Panic at the Disco

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Until I Fall Away - Gin Blossoms

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Shoplifter - Green Day

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Fences - Paramore

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Look for Love - Billie Joe Armstrong at 5 years old

WHAT IS 2+2?
Hit the Floor - Linkin Park

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Must Get Out - Maroon 5

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Don't Panic - Coldplay

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends - Fall Out Boy

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Allentown - Billy Joel

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Right Here - Staind

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stuck With Me - Green Day (rofl!)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Juke Box Hero - Foreigner

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Forgotten - Avril Lavigne (figures)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Do You Know What I'm Seeing? - Panic at the Disco

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Higher - Creed

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Stoppin' the Love - KT Tunstall

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Run - Snow Patrol

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
One Headlight - The Wallflowers

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
When it Rains - Paramore

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Hallelujah - Paramore

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Home - Sheryl Crow

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Disloyal Order of the Water Buffalo - Fall Out Boy

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
7 Minutes in Heaven - Fall Out Boy

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Today's the Day - America

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Mama - My Chemical Romance

Early B-Day presents

2009-01-08T16:50:00.000-06:00

Brenna you're the awesomest and coolest person ever =D Thanks so much =D I needed a new wallet.

My dad really liked the little ober goat and mom seemed pleased as well. =)

Being constructive

2009-01-07T12:02:00.000-06:00

Just trying to prove that we did some constructive stuff while mom was gone, mainly bake cookies. She's home tonight and yes we did save her some =)

I'm reading Little Women for school now, for a book analysis, I hate how they say 'ever so' all the time, its ever so stupid. Its no murder and scandal filled philosophical story or teenage vampire romance so I'll have to deal with it. Damn, they never choose good books to read for school.

My brain is locked as usual.

My #1 thing to look forward to........

2009-01-03T15:14:00.000-06:00

Yes thats right, the #1 thing I cannot wait for in 2009 is the new Green Day album. AP featured them in their January issue, its a great article. Also had a list of all the other anticipated albums for 2009, including Panic at the Disco, gotta love Brendon Urie =)

After reading the AP article, I really honestly think that Green Day's next album will be awesome, but I don't think it will be able to top American Idiot. American Idiot is pretty hard to top in my opinion, but I still think this will be an awesome album. They are as liberal as ever(they really are just a bunch of idiots themselves) but if I didn't listen to somebody just because they were liberal I probably wouldn't be listening to music. Plus, it seems to be the political edge in Green Day's music that really makes them awesome. Sure hope they go on tour this summer, the album is due in the spring.

Now if My Chemical Romance would come out with an album this year(there is talk of it) that would so make my year.

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T17:21:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year to everybody!

Its kind of funny how time flies, I swear the year just started yesterday. Mom is going on vacation to Texas tomorrow sooooo.......I guess I get a week off from her, hehehe......

I finished reading the Twilight series, took me two weeks, wow those are awesome books. I usually don't like books like that but they are really great books. I downloaded the movie off youtube(yes illegally, lol) and the movie is just as good.

Well I am glad to leave 2008 behind, its been kind of a hard year for me, probably one of my toughest years in my short life(man I gotta stop talking like I'm old or something) but I made it through, so hey thats an accomplishment I guess. I'm extremely thankful this is the year that I discovered My Chemical Romance, I think it would have been a lot harder without them. And of course I'm thankful that I have Brenna for such a good friend, she's helped me through some of my darkest times, I'll always owe you Brenna =)

So now I have 2009 before me, and a whole bunch of things to look forward to.

Ok, now that sounds cheesy, screw it, enjoy your evening, I'm staying up to watch Fall Out Boy on Dick Clark's New Year's Eve party.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T07:38:00.000-06:00

Yes I'll be nice enough to wish everybody a Merry Christmas today, even though this season tends to get me annoyed most of time, its mostly Christmas music that gets on my nerves. I turned on my radio last night wanting to listen to some music(mind you I don't keep track of the days so it might as well have been the day after Christmas to me) and U2 was singing some horrible Christmas song. I can't stand Christmas music. And I really really hate Its a Wonderful Life, I've only seen that movie once a long time ago but I don't understand why everybody likes it so much, its just so so so stupid and horribly long.

Cabin fever is getting to me, I'm playing with fire to much and starting to do stupid things(well of course only I know what I'm doing is stupid). I think I'll start writing on my walls in black sharpies, that will help, lol

Anyway, I'm starting to bitch again, so Merry Christmas everybody!

Cabin fever, Christmas and time machines of all things

2008-12-24T12:18:00.000-06:00

Ok, I really starting to suffer from cabin fever here. I can't stand being around my family stuck in the house all day, its driving me nuts. We all got in a fight over something stupid so while they were finishing fighting I was sitting there writing music lyrics down, very calming actually. That past two days have been nothing but white-out conditions, its nice to actually see the sun for once.

Folie a Deux is awesome, lol of course it is. I got sucked into the Twilight series, its really helped me to stop thinking so hard and just to unscramble my brain. Not thinking feels sooooo nice. Its amazing, I'm enjoying advanced math, I don't think I'm normal.

So last night I can't believe this my family wasted an entire hour on a conversation about time machines. I wanted to go back in time and erm...exterminate...a few people, and everybody else had funny ideas. My brother wanted to go back and invent You Tube, and buy a bunch of P-51's for $500, and my dad wanted to go back in time and see how the farm looked in the 1930's. He really thought it would be cool if he could bring his grandparents forward to show what he's done on the farm, and the progress agriculture has made. Kind of cool. In case you were wondering, we waste a lot of time on unintellectual conversations like this, hey its better than talking about freakin' tractors all the time.

So, ending here with a Merry Christmas, I might not like the holiday but that doesn't mean I'm not going to say Merry Christmas to somebody. My favorite cousins aren't coming home because of the weather, which is too bad because I really needed to talk to them, oh well if they see this I love you guys and hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Tuesday

2008-12-16T10:19:00.000-06:00

I honestly never know what to name my blogs, whatever.

So, I finished my research report end of last week. I honestly didn't like it and I thought it was horrible, I just wasn't that into writing it. Teacher didn't think so and I got a 100 on it!! yay!! I'll post it later this week.

I also finished Anna Karenina last week, I kind of thought it was kind of a stupid book. First off, it was really hard to stay into it and it was pretty predictable(except for the end, which I won't give away)

So even though I haven't played piano regularly for six years I'm still pretty good at classical stuff, I'm absolutely horrible at Christmas music, maybe that stems from the fact that I hate Christmas music. I'll probably mess up really bad when I'm playing for the 4-H kids, it'll be pretty funny though I'm sure =) Hey, gotta laugh at yourself sometimes.

Still 8 degrees here, damn its cold, supposed to snow this afternoon, I hope it does.

Life: The Beautiful Lie

2008-12-15T09:44:00.000-06:00

For those of you wondering the exact meaning of “Life is a Beautiful Lie” here is my best explanation of what I think it means.

First off it doesn’t mean that life as itself does not exist, that would be saying there is not a God. Yes there is a God and yes I do believe in God and I do believe that life in itself is full of meaning and purpose, what that purpose is we all must find out for ourselves.

In life, or I should say when we are out in the presence of others, most of us will put on an air of carefreeness, a mask of composure. One may act as if nothing is wrong in their life, like they lead the perfect life. This perfect life is the perfect lie. Underneath the mask, underneath it all lies some trouble, a venomous opinion and loathing of the people around you, as if you are jealous because all of those around you are leading perfectly happy lives(of course you cannot see through their masks like they cannot see through your own) Sitting there drowning in your own pool of depression and despair you wonder how many people see right through you or if they are thinking the same things you are. Some even have skeletons in their closets, knocking, knocking….one may wonder how many hear that knocking or one may wonder if somebody suspects that skeleton is even in the closet.

Maybe not everybody goes through what I described above, but everybody experiences the lie to a certain degree. The seemingly saintly people viciously gossip about their neighbors, a loved one will smile to your face and stab you when you turn your back, an apparently honest person will tell an outright lie.

The lie can be when a person is depressed, in a hopeless situation, in complete misery, on the inside that is. Yet on the outside the person acts as if there is nothing wrong, they act as if they are perfectly happy and normal.

The outside is beautiful, yet the beautiful part is just covering up the dreadfulness that hides deep inside us all.

Then again, maybe this lie does have a purpose. I mean, if we were all to take away the masks, show everybody who we really are, would we be accepted? Would we be seen as just another troubled screwed up person who should be going to therapy? Or will they rebuke you on the outside yet admire you on the inside for throwing your mask aside? Or will they embrace you and try to understand you? On the other hand I guess we must all do what our mothers told us a children and keep up appearances.

So you probably wonder, what is my lie? What is hiding behind my mask? I’ll never tell, you should have gotten enough of a hint already. Nobody fully understands me and nobody ever will.

Go ahead, say your life is free of this lie. Take a closer look, you are a beautiful lie just as much as I am. Your life is just as beautiful a lie as everybody else in this world.

Christmas and cold

2008-12-15T09:31:00.000-06:00

Ok, so today I'll put up two posts, I've finished my 'essay' on a beautiful lie, and I'll post that in a sec if the internet lets me(its super slow)

So, its like 4 degrees outside with 10 below windchill, still waiting for global warming. Its very lovely to walk outside in five inch layers only to freeze to the bone in a matter of minutes. Oh forgot about the 30mph winds, thats always fun. We had a goat house(don't worry it wasn't occupied) fly across the yard, if it wasn't for the windmill in the front yard it would have came through the house. Now that would have been funny.

I'm going to start cussing on my blog because I'm tired of moderating myself so much and I really don't care.

So its Christmas time, and the one thing I hate most about Christmas is how everybody says Happy Holidays. WTF its MERRY CHRISTMAS because its CHRISTMAS. Are we afraid of offending somebody or something? I'm wondering when the fuck they're going to put 'Holiday' on the calendar instead of Christmas.

I went to the grocery store the other day and only one person told me Merry Christmas. One person out of a dozen who gave me some sort of greeting(I refuse to say the H word) Here at home we have a little rule that every time we hear HH, we automatically say Merry Fucking Christmas to each other, kind of funny.

Yeah I know, my family is wierd.

Gotta send Christmas cards today, and practice Christmas songs on the piano since I decided to volunteer to play piano when the 4-H'ers go caroling. Eh, I'll be nice I guess.

Sorry for the ranting and the cussing, it just irks me.

And remember, Merry CHRISTMAS, I said Christmas, not the H word.

Oh, Fall Out Boy Folie a Deux comes out tomorrow don't forget. I preordered so I get it today, yay!!!!!!

Vacuuming really sucks

2008-12-06T12:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, no matter what the manufacturer says about vacuum cleaners, they really aren't made for dog hair. I just pulled two big wads of it out of it. And I think the Shop Vac is broken, its blowing instead of sucking. Thats really nice especially when you're vacuuming and chewing gum at the same time, mmmmmmmmm........dirt flavored gum. Gotta love it.

Oh, my dad found out about my blog yesterday so now I've gotta write a post about what "Life is a Beautiful Lie" means. I'll do it later, until then read the lyrics to the song, A Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds to Mars:

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
Cuz this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

So beautiful, beautiful...

Ah the rush of ideas........

2008-12-05T17:48:00.000-06:00

So I finally decided to start working on my research report today. Its funny, I am the world's biggest procrastinator, I have to put everything off till the extremely very last minute. I don't know, maybe I do best under pressure. Or maybe I have to sit there and brood over my ideas until they get nice and rotten, then only the good ones stay in my mind, while all the unrelated ones get cast aside to be commented on later. Music seems to help a lot. Don't worry, everybody gets to read it when I'm done.

I honestly don't know why I worry so much about stuff like this, I mean I always end up getting a good grade on it. My biggest problem is the fact that I can't put any personal opinion in this report, well if that were the case I'd have ten pages by now.

Dang, I had all these things I was going to write about and they all went out the window.......

Oh yeah, its cold, I think I've already mentioned that several times before though. Still wondering when the heck global warming is going to come, oh thats right its climate change because its so freaking COLD! I heard climate change causes normal weather. =)

I need chocolate, in the hot liquid form...........

Oh its the holidays...........

2008-12-03T10:51:00.000-06:00

woohoo its my most cynical time of the year........................

So I went back and read the posts I posted last week, I must have been high or something, eh I don't care.

When it comes to the holidays I always wonder, all the people out there shopping and fighting each other like animals for things their loved ones will forget in a week......are they really representing the true meaning of Christmas? Do they really even care about what Christmas really means or is it all about outdoing each other?

Black Friday: A day that to me is just another day, yet thousands of people went out and like wolves fighting for a deer carcass they fought over presents, fought with each other, heck a guy even got run over and killed by a mob of shoppers. Is this really Christmas? People spend gobs of money they don't have on presents that their kids or loved ones probably won't appreciate like they want them to, then they wonder why they are so far into debt. Is this really Christmas?

Give me a holiday season with meaning, show me that people are willing to embrace the true meaning of Christmas(and not just the Christian meaning) Christmas is about being together, and family, not fighting or spending money.

All I want for Christmas is for people to realize what Christmas really is about.

Screw it, peace out.

Turkey Day

2008-11-26T16:24:00.000-06:00

So Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I figured I'd post today since I probably won't be here tomorrow.

I guess I just wanted to do one of those sappy posts saying what I'm thankful for, I really wish more people would be thankful for the things they think are insignificant. Things that they don't appreciate while they have them but want them once they are gone. I don't know.

I'm thankful for:
Music(esp. My Chemical Romance and Green Day)
My best friend Brenna and all my other friends
My goats, they keep me grounded
A house to live in
My family, even though I don't always like them and they don't always like me
A new Fall Out Boy album in December
A new Green Day album in '09
My crazy mind that gets me into all sorts of things
Peaches(I see you Brenna!!)
and finally I'm thankful for the one thing that everybody has but doesn't acknowledge that much: that I'm alive, that tomorrow is a new day for me to learn new things and to put other things behind me. I may end up having very few things in my life, maybe I'll have a lot of things, I don't know. But I'll always know that I am alive and I am here, and I think that is something more significant than anything else and that it is the one thing I should be the most thankful for.

Wow, my posts are getting quite emo, oh well, peace out, happy thanksgiving.

Political crap

2008-11-25T14:05:00.001-06:00

Ok time for one of my somewhat famous carried away political posts.

These starry-eyed Barack supporters we call the media are making me sick. I'm really tired of the media glorifying Barack on his new picks for cabinet and his plan to make jobs. As far as I can see this 'change' he speaks of is that we are 'changing back' to the way things were before. He has no new ideas. He's surrounded himself with former Clinton advisers. How is that changing things? I have a feeling Barack has surrounded himself with these people because of his inexperience, he needs somebody to show him the ropes a little bit, so to say.

And what about this job creating thing? Yes yes lets create jobs by building and fixing roads and bridges. Its a totally new idea and its so great and it will work blah blah blah. Its not new, not even close to it. He's just copying what FDR did back in the '30's, which that alone did not get this country out of the Great Depression, WWII did that. So where are we going to get all this money to pay for these 2.5 million jobs? (which btw is not even close to enough jobs we needs to drop the unemployment rate) "Oh we'll just raise taxes." Raising taxes. The age old 'solution' to any problem. Who the heck wants higher taxes? Higher taxes are worse for the economy because the government is taking away what would be the taxpayers extra spending money.

All I gotta say is that the next four years will be really interesting. And I'm also waiting for all those people who voted for Barack hit themselves on the head and say "Why did I vote for him?"

Ok, done bitchin' =)

Monday

2008-11-24T14:47:00.000-06:00

So its Monday, the day I dislike the most, actually I think I dislike Wednesday the most, eh depends upon what mood I'm in. Honestly I don't know why they name the days, I mean you wake on Monday, you think its Sunday. Wake up on Tuesday, think its Monday. Wake up on Wednesday and goodness it could be any day of the week. Wake on on Thursday, think its Friday. You are very upset to find out Friday is actually tomorrow. You wake up on Friday, thinking its Thursday but discover tomorrow is Saturday which makes you very happy. Wake up Saturday know its Saturday and you're super excited about it for no particular reason at all. Wake up Sunday and still think its Saturday all over again only to find out its Sunday and tomorrow is Monday. Then you start over.

Wow I just wrote a whole paragraph about nothing.

I think I've discovered the perfect match of music and books, Panic at the Disco and Anna Karenina, those two go hand in hand with each other. =D

I'm up to many evil plans lately, extremely evil, mwhahahaha........no I'm not going to share, it'll come around to you eventually *evil smile*

So I got my books for my Jr. year of highschool. I picked the courses myself but somehow I keep saying to myself why the heck did I do this. All I gotta say is that by the time I'm done with chemistry I better know how to do something really cool. I signed up for a course called Logic, I wonder if they have a course called Common Sense? Oh, one good thing, no research report, yayyyyyy!!!!!

btw, I can never get the stupid font right on this blog so screw it, I'm just leaving it.

Dang its cold

2008-11-15T12:55:00.000-06:00

Where the heck is global warming? Oh wait, they call it climate change now because its so cold. Its global warming out right now, global warming is my new name for snow.

Lets see, whats going on today in my boring day.......Just cruising around the internet nothing really. I would be writing my report right now except for the fact that I'm still waiting for a book on the subject I ordered three weeks ago. Dang post office.

Took a goat to be bred yesterday, hopefully she takes this time.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my grandpa's death, I still can't believe its been that long, seems like only yesterday. I mean, after it happened, it seemed as if the pain would never go away, the sun would never shine again, the spring would never come. Over the past two years I've changed, I always ask myself, is it a change for the better? Have I really moved on? Then you kind of come to realize that life still goes on, even though there's a certain emptiness in your life. The seasons come and fade away, life begins a new cycle and you find yourself in a new chapter in your life. You do move on, the pain goes away eventually, but the memories never fade.

Ok, enough emo stuff from me =)

yawn

2008-11-12T17:10:00.000-06:00

Ugh, I'm so tired. Its been cold and rainy, just makes me achy and tired all over, plus I'm getting over a cold.

So Monday I had an appointment in the suburbs for the craniosacral therapist, don't ask what it is, even I'm not sure but its pretty awesome. Google it. So afterwards we went to the mall and had lunch, did some shopping. I got a bunch of long sleeves tops and a nice pair of high heeled boots I'd been looking for for a while. Got a couple hats too.

You know I think I've heard Viva la Vida five times on the radio today, I never get tired of that song, its makes me so happy. Its funny in the summer every time we baled hay it was my job to drive around in the truck and pick up bales that fell off the wagon. Every time Viva la Vida came on the radio I'd turn it up really loud. Its quite the head banging song lol.

Oh, and I've forgotten to tell the best news I've heard.................

GREEN DAY IS COMING OUT WITH A NEW ALBUM IN '09!!!!

I'm so excited, I can't wait!

I'm baaaack

2008-11-09T13:46:00.001-06:00

So, the stupid internet has been out for two weeks so I haven't been able to post.

Wondering what has happened? Nothing really. Life is boring.

The postal service can't do its job worth a #$%@.
I can rely on nobody.
Its cold.
I'm cold.
I'm tired.
and possibly hungry but not really.
I fought the law and I won.
I hate politics.
Algebra is making me crazy.
I have a 5 page research report due.
Sources are hard to come by.
My iPod is broken.
I'm bored.
Crime and Punishment is an awesome book.
My room needs cleaned again.
I need a hair cut.
I'm in love with My Chemical Romance.
And Green Day.
I love purple nail polish.
And apple pie.
And coconut cream pie.
My birthday is in two months.
I have a life, but feel I still need one.
I'm patiently waiting for Fall Out Boy's tour schedule.
My mind is blank.
I hate teachers.
Wishing I had gone to a Panic at the Disco concert.
I need a job.
I hate Christmas(not the religious aspect, just the other)
And holidays in general.
I sort of hate people in general sometimes.
I'd say something about the election but maybe tommorrow.

2008-10-26T10:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, I’m really getting tired of hearing about the elections. That’s all you hear about, aren’t there more important things for the news to be reporting rather than what the candidates are saying and doing? The elections are depressing enough as it is, haven't the candidates said all there is to be said? I mean lately they seem to be playing a bunch of broken records.

What I really want to know is, do the people voting really truly realize the impact that the next president has? I’m not talking about this election in general, but people don’t seem to realize that every single(or almost all) persons who has been elected president has made some sort of impact or change which can more than likely still be seen in today’s society.

What a lot of people really don’t realize is with the next president they elect, those people only have 10-40 years to deal with and live with the policies and problems that the next president is going to implement and make. What is unfortunate is that its my generation, those who are just under age to vote and also the younger generation or voters, have another 60-70 years to deal with and try to fix the problems which our next leader may make. In this country, we are still dealing with the social security system that was first implemented by FDR in 1935 which over the years has totally been screwed up and corrupted that it can barely operate properly or do what is supposed to do. What about welfare? A system started almost 60 years ago that over time has become so corrupted and misused that those who really need welfare can hardly get it.

No matter who is elected, that person will institute policies and laws that will last many years. Shouldn’t we make sure that that person will put forth and implement policies and laws which will have a positive impact on this country for years to come and help to stop and prevent the corruption that ravages our government?

And by the way, I’m not implying above that minors should be allowed to vote, I think that would be the worst thing to do. Most minors have to radical thinking and may be easily charmed by a candidate into thinking that irrational policies are what this country needs.

So when you go to vote November remember that depending upon you age, you won’t have to deal with what this president is going to do as long as your children or grandchildren will.

Ok, stepping off the soap box now.

PS, for those wondering, McCain Palin '08 all the way!!!

What a week

2008-10-18T12:59:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, I'm not abandoning this blog like I did the last one! I've been very busy this week, I'm sure my two readers will understand =)

So, lets see I think it was Wednesday I went grocery shopping with my mother, it was very rainy and cold that day. When we got home I had to help my dad put new houses in the buck and kid pens, that was fun. We had to let all the kids out to run around the yard while we got the hold houses out, and I got to stand in the buck pen holding a fence that wasn't tied. I stood there holding it in the cold rain while the bucks took turns peeing on me. Good times =D

Cleaned out the barn yesterday, I really don't think there is an easy way to clean out the barn. Ugh, my back hurts like the dickens today.

I found out that FOB isn't coming out with their new CD until December, what a drag, I was looking forward to it =(

Hmm, just realized my whole post here is about complaining so I'm stopping now =D

Waiting patiently for November………

2008-10-13T13:24:00.001-05:00

For Folie a Deux!! What did you think I was waiting for the elections? I love Fall Out Boy, they are such an awesome band. FOB=Happiness I wish they played them on the radio more often, they really need to stop play NeYo, I’m getting really tired of Closer.

And I just want to get away
Cuz I have to listen to this crap everyday
I just want it to stop, I just want it to stooooooooopppppppppp...........

I should really just take the radio station over, I mean they only play sucky music anyway. The world would be much happier if I ran the radio stations. Or maybe its just me that will be happy, I don’t care, I’ll be happy =D They need to play Panic at the Disco more often too. Who the heck likes rap and hip-hop anyway?

Now if Green Day would only come out with another album I think I would just die of happiness.

Sunday Afternoons

2008-10-12T15:21:00.001-05:00

I love Sunday afternoons, so long and lazy, almost dreamy. After doing whatever project I sit around with my dad and brother talking about random unimportant topics, we call each other racist and demeaning names, while we throw things at each other. When I’m not looking David puts a handful of gravel in my shoe and I throw and handful in his face. Yes, he’s a moron. I sit there throwing small rocks at my dad’s boot. We are a very mature group……

Saturday

2008-10-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

Just another normal regular Saturday, never anything new said or done. I clean up manure piles in the morning, do whatever for my mom, then clean the house.

I guess I actually find house cleaning fun (*gasp* A teenager that likes to clean house?!) I get to listen to music that my parents don't like out loud, assort things my way, dance with the broom, lol. Jesus of Suburbia comes on, I start singing it and doing some ballet type dance while dusting, then mom rolls her eyes and walks out of the room, hehehe.....

Sooooooo.........

2008-10-10T13:17:00.000-05:00

So I signed up for this blog, what a week ago I think. I’ve procrastinated making a blog for like three months now and now I guess I’ll be procrastinating with posting too. Well I guess this is the ‘intro’ post, never really understood intros on blogs, I mean I’m just going to say the same thing here that’s already posted in the about me section, so whats the point? Oh fine I’ll be nice and say hello………….

Life is a Beautiful Lie

Here's to the New Year

Merry Christmas

My trip to Kerala

Continuing....

The Flight

We're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy.....

Look at all those cobwebs......

Victim of War

End of an Era

A video for enjoyment

The joys of being sick

Getting older

Before the Lobotomy

Time has no essence

Happy Mother's Day!

Fire

Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown

Happy Easter

Fish

Life is life

The Nightmare

I'm the new cancer

March already

Funny part about used books

Blank

Clinging to sanity

Solitude

Incessant boredom

Just wasting time, again

Early B-Day presents

Being constructive

My #1 thing to look forward to........

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

Cabin fever, Christmas and time machines of all things

Tuesday

Life: The Beautiful Lie

Christmas and cold

Vacuuming really sucks

Ah the rush of ideas........

Oh its the holidays...........

Turkey Day

Political crap

Monday

Dang its cold

*yawn*

I'm baaaack

What a week

Waiting patiently for November………

Sunday Afternoons

Saturday

Sooooooo.........

yawn